It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

For about a year and a half now, I’ve been having more good days than bad days. Actually, I’ve been having significantly more good days than bad days.

The bad days really, really make me appreciate the good ones and have a way of humbling me a bit. It makes me appreciate not being consistently depressed on a day to day basis and I never take it for granted – feeling okay, that is.

The past couple of months have been throwing a lot more challenges in the mix of things. My anxiety has been high and my motivation has been a bit lower. I’m stressed, but I don’t necessarily feel stressed. Even though I may not mentally be conscious of my stress, my body is more than aware. I’ve been slacking on my self care and I’ve not been getting to therapy as I should. But, things don’t always go as planned. Life happens, you sometimes have to press on and figure it out along the way.

Yes, I am okay the vast majority of the time, but sometimes, I’m just not. That little rain cloud, or sometimes that huge rain cloud goes hanging over my head. And you know what? That’s okay! It’s okay to not be okay.

Life isn’t this structured thing that is always predictable. Life brings challenges, surprises, emotions…and despite our best efforts; we’re not always ready for them. All we can do is be at least somewhat prepared for things to not go exactly the way we want or the way we planned. We have to be able to handle the emotions and the outcomes without tearing ourselves down or taking it out on anyone else.

That being said, I have been extremely proud of myself lately. Sure, sometimes I feel myself slipping a bit and struggling. I get horrible anxiety and feel as if I am going to sink down into a darker place, but I have also been able to use healthy coping mechanisms to pull myself back to neutral most of the time. I have also been allowing myself to feel things that maybe I hadn’t before. I’ve been allowing myself to cry and actually feel my feelings instead of shoving them down deep inside of me until they come out in the form of anger or worse – until I just completely shut down.

Actually, a really great example of this is the other day when “Hotel California” by the Eagles came on while I was driving. That day, I had read a blog post on my dad’s blog about my brother who had passed (I will be writing a lot more about him/what happened in the future). I never read his blog posts because they typically make me incredibly sad. This was no exception. It’s more so thinking about my brother than anything. For the rest of the day, he was on my mind quite a bit, but I do admit, I pushed the thought away, that is, until this particular song came on. It reminds me of my brother without fail EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. So what did I do? I lost it. I broke down. In those situations, usually I completely avoid talking to my parents at all because it’s quite uncomfortable for me to be upset like that in front of them. This time I called them though, individually, and explained what was happening. It made me feel much better than I would have anticipated and I’m sure they were happy that I reached out to them.

Sometimes, we’re told we have to be tough, not show emotion; especially men and especially not in public or in front of anybody. But I’m here to give you a gentle reminder that it is okay to do just that. 

You’re not wrong for feeling the way you feel, for crying, feeling upset, or just emotionally strained. Really feeling and expressing our emotions is something we all probably could work to improve in ourselves. We’re human beings, we have complex brains with all of these neurotransmitters and impulses firing again and again. They keep us living, breathing, feeling, and doing. We are not emotionless machines, emotions make us who we are and those emotions are completely valid. They deserve to be acknowledged and seen. 

Sometimes, I think about how far I’ve truly come as a person. I’ve had this major glow-up so to speak, not just physically, but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I’m becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be, someone my younger self could look up to and be proud of. Someone my younger self could look forward to becoming. Someone my own daughter can look up to and be positively influenced, herself. At the end of the day, that’s all I could ask for. 

We all have bad moments, but bad moments aren’t bad days. Sometimes we do have bad days, but bad days aren’t bad lives. At one point, I was convinced I’d never escape depression and become better. Things felt unbelievably dark, but I guess I was just like a seed in the soil. I grew and I blossomed, now all that’s left to do is bloom. And yes, sometimes this metaphorical flower that represents me as a person may go dormant, but that’s okay. No flower is always in bloom. That doesn’t make them any less unique or any less beautiful. 

So remember, it’s okay to not be okay. Appreciate the good days and learn from the bad if at all possible. Life throws curve balls, but it’s nothing we can’t handle, even if we need help to handle these things. Mental illness can make this a bit harder, but there’s always something, someone out there to help. 

It took me a while to realize just how special life is and how splendid it has the potential to be. We don’t know what lies beyond this life, so all we can do is make the best of this life and live it in the best way we possibly can.